I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
