It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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