Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
