we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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