I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
