I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
