I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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