i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
