my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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