hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
