My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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