Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
