i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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