i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
