my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
