I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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