Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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