RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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