I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
