did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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