So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
