My sheets look like a crime scene.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
