The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
