i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
