Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
