i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
