Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
