Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The struggles of a small town man whore
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
