Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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