Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
