i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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