doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
