I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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