He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
