The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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