the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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