Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
