just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
