shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Randomize
