I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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