Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
