idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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