how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
