i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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