Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Welp...herpes.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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