dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
