Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
