someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
