I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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