The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
